Felix Kaplan is currently writing a book about ‘Kaplanetics’. Below some fragments.
You start playing tennis in a fit of fantasy, giving your soul a possibility to free itself from an all seeing eye of factuality.
It is in tennis that your initial fantasy anchors itself and your excessive optimism acquires its home, before being reunited with a collective illusion of those knowing how to play.
When you enter this unsteady and unreal world, you soon begin to understand that from this fictional invalid yet (you admit that!) possible world a real line of communication will open up in foreseeable future. Through the good services of your own body you lay contact with invigorating new universe. Later in the game you move away from this unity of body and mind, dividing yourself into the right and left sides, acquiring limited yet growing ability to see yourself from outside. This premonition starts with the imagination accepting a role and a wish to improve your own physical skills and capabilities, though in ordinary life you are mostly content with your self-image.
However, after temporarily staying in the skin of a completely another being, after having stepped over the invisible line into an imaginary world, you do try to go back to your own self and enter instead into an altered consciousness and body only to discover to your surprise that neither narcotics nor psychotropica nor alcohol did participate in this process.
Body becomes a little more yours. You start perceiving everything sharper, as if the world of tennis shared something hyper-realistic with you. For a moment you are allowed to look behind the scene, to comprehend an above-real essence of the drama of your own existence. This initial lack of prowess in tennis magically bares the inevitability of your future mastery.
Tennis proves to be a rare opportunity to “psyche yourself up” to a near mystical state, when you don’t just hit the ball but do it using an acquired extension of one of your extremities. Thus a tennis racket turns into a habitable and appropriating something that was never your arm.
You extend and transfer the ability of the neurons of your brain to control an object outside your body limits. And the racket duly becomes a feeling organ, readily blending into expanded whole of a wrist, a shoulder, an arm, your timing and even the motion management.
Maybe it’s all made to try us out?
There probably exist few human activities starting with so many failures as tennis. Miraculuously the game does not render your tennis activity utterly senseless. For that purpose you have even to redefine ´sense´ as a finished product that assumes comprehension of the past combining it with an ability to compare various feelings, facts and ideas and chose the best for your present activities.
You can assume that the opposite of senseless does take place and sometimes even in a magic way, even before you reach control over your new movements – the initial inconveniences do bring satisfaction and inner wholeness, introducing new meanings and renewed ´sense´ into your existence.
Then an ‘inside the body” vision settles in, and an inner ray reveals corporeal cavities still undisclosed to your consciousness, enlarging and enriching the working volume of your body.
A light patina of sadness, a measure of autumn harmony and dimness accompany this beam as if a thought spreads inside the body, providing new sensations. You enter a double metaphor – the world of tennis starts carving you and by your very presence you immediately respond by carving a new world of tennis. The result recalls a canvas, still wet and reeking of unsettled paint, which has yet to cool off and is still vibrating. This all-embracing though hidden reality energises you with the message: have fun, stay younger, fill yourself up with optimism!
You fall under the spell of your own game so much, that you need to turn on the brakes: little by little, you already start imagining yourself as a big player, a knight on a white horse, a carrier of and a fighter for the truth and truthfulness. However, you cannot step over the line, this time into the third world. Go back!
Beginning of beginnings
Today, looking back at the initial hitting action you realize: that was the beginning of the new form of meditation, merging of the body and soul, a possibility of healing and a discovery of a metaphysical space for your “I” and your super “I”, a moment of embracing a comfortable ‘petite’ religion, a boundless ocean of opportunities.
You are walking down the street and, unexpectedly for yourself, effortlessly imitate the backhand follow-through without racket and ball, moving from the abstract representation in your brain to a real motion in a physically tangible space.
Don’t you promote this to the level of art, to a mystical act, to a mystery, even to a level of a prayer? As if you discover something, self-supporting and self-sufficient, with a cause and a goal inside its own structure, so that it severes the lines of communication with the outside world? It is in tennis where the statements “you are what you create of yourself” and “you carry full responsibility for what you create of yourself” find unconditional confirmation.
In this way, the nature, in conspiracy with none other than you, tries to replace your own instinct.
Meanwhile, tennis reproduces itself with numbing inevitability.
To play means to repeat ageless banalities and to keep choosing the same ones in an endless stream. You are confronted with the essence of your being as if it does not wish to remain its own undecipherable dormant enigma.
As the streams of ´sensens´ swell up, the biological clocks switch on triggering processes of disolution and confrontations. Tennis internalizes, pushes your own conflicts inside as if there they can be resolved in a easier way. It is as if the body creates an additional organ for control and management, research and improvement, optimal functioning and healing.
It is strange, that you must be humble and accept and limit the space you use in search of yourself by introducing white lines and high fences of a tennis court.
Maybe the game of tennis comes into being as a result of your lack of knowledge about the essence of things and their true meaning?
Maybe tennis (as the derivative of the French imperative ‘Tenez!’) represents an accusative mood still unknown to grammar? Maybe it requires from a player a permanent statement of own truth based on a repeatable hitting action so
´chemically´ clean, that it is readily recognizable to muscles? This repeatable forehand or backhand action will certainly wake the hibernating forces of imagination, mind and soul still unknown to you. You have even to create a special inner condition which is called kairos, which differently from our usual time kronos uncovers such an innner feeling that represents the history of all what we felt, thought of or experienced. On introducing of that concept of kairos we can incorporate the real universe of tennnis into our soul. And start soul coaching.
Otherwise, if you start reaching to the ball, desperately wishing to hit it over the net, a repeatable motion will never materialise, the so called dynamic stereotype will never be formed. You will be torn – physically and psychologically – into many tiny bits. It would take a monumental effort to withstand the multitude of disintegrating independent forces due to elbow and wrist correction, failing foot work, plethora of goals, poor results. Then you have to bind all those actions together and let them be governed by the same principle again.
But before producing the right motion you should shelve that hitting the ball over the net as the chief goal. Logics to be followed is very simple. If you succeed in sending the ball on the other side of the court, yet another ball will be fired at you next fraction of a second. And then – the third, the fourth and the fifth one. You cannot invent a new motion for every ball flying at you. So why not to chose a repeatable arm movement. Of course you have to rely heavier on your foot work while trying to position your body more precisely behind the ball so that there is no need in a sunstantial correction of your arm motion. Besides there will be no need to move. A repeated motion – on the contrary – demands stilnees!
This simple conclusion could be elevated to your great achievement, to a revolution of sorts?
It is a huge step in the direction of true meditation, search of hidden personal meanings, elavated definitions and higher codes.
You just stop going for an instant success.
You concentrate on the process instead.
Tennis does serve readily as a cure. Yet it is with its another reusable repetitive action.
Not immediate achievements but stable remaining values should be of interest to you.
And you switch this potent metaphore by only trying to reproduce the same striking motion once again and again.
This forehand or backhand action, while constantly tested by the ball, will be soon transformed into an ideal motion.
A dynamical stereotype is born which is so neat and tight that a philosopher could refer to it as to an idea-in-itself.
You keep on refining your motion by trying to distill common, unchangeable and stable elements.
Soon you discover that you are heading for a ritual since the motion cannot be repeated without first being subject to a ritualisation. And the most smashing discovery is due to the fact that everything is controlled only by you and your body. Nothing serves as a go-between.
By repeating the same movement in the most boring way you create your own world, which in its turn will re-define and re-create you.
An ideal striking action becomes a sign of constantly deepening inner experience. More and more tennis reminds a cloud of plasma held together by a giant magnetic trap where the smallest manifestation of your soul is immediately and happily recognized.
Striking actions and stereotypes
In the beginning this repetitive striking action is devoid of its own territory or purposefulness, it places itself outside kronos.
Historically speaking it reminds the initial phase of a great revolution.
Then it expands so quickly that overgrows its own characteristics and stands out from the general body of tennis, which remains for far too many people enjoying hitting the ball over the net – at all costs!
But how can you control uncontrolable?
Tennis does not possess a device that could precisely determine what goes on in human mind, body and muscles at the moment the ball is hit.
The situation can be compared to that of a supercomputer which is unable to model the processes around a wing in flight.
Yet from this chaos of cheap tricks (and all of this to return a ball), a repeatable striking action is materialising and begins winning in a fierse competition with all other accidental motions.
Some of them may be unique and most original.
But a premonition is born that a repeatable striking motion does represent certain meanings and symbols, which need to be demystified and decoded.
An immediate link is laid between your psyche and your body.
Tennis is likened to a pyramid, wide foundation of which rests on the memories of the first steps in tennis. And psyche sifts through them, selecting and refining.
It triggers a process of ripening with fewer and fewer internal dialogues taking place inside you.
As the result you get rid of empty poliphony and trash and purify your mind.
You simply select, discard the pretentious ideas which were influenced by the outside hearsay, then sort out and appropriate the rest.
What kind of fantasy will become your next truth?
Tennis triggers the process of renewed identification.
A temporal reality of this search requires establishing a new dissociation. You broaden the established identity imposed by your entire past – existence and experience.
You make an attempt to rise over routine, rites and superstitions.
You revise the thinnest values that kept you together creating a stable existence out of fluctuation.
And though you traverse a minefield, where even your smallest movement is doomed to possess a meaning, you gradually turn from an impossible into a “possible” man. It is as if a divide and selection has taken place.
You repeat once again and again what is soon perceived as a forced movement. You even get high from every successful repeat and you murmur under your breath a slogan. It soon becomes a chant of sorts, a “pattern formula”.
You enter the area of rituals, the carriers of sleeping codes yet to be disturbed. In the long run they make you less inclined on pursuading yourself. Seemingly accidental movements are perfected.
From a nonchalant facade based on two or three slipshod and accidentally selected principles you start often titanic work which bridges the gap between the new reality induced by tennis and the old one of the dull everyday routine.
Tennis as an endless chain of repetitions carries you through a newly found automatism into a realm of both inevitability and simplicity where all elements are refined and doomed to cooperate with each other by a sheer intense physical and spiritual effort.
Slowly they withstand the test of time and cannot not be forgotten or overlooked even in your future actions.
A level of a rigid stability is thus reached when tennis may become real and surreal at the same time.
By nonchalantly reproducing a hitting action you enter a new world and simultaneously you let the new world in. More, this happens without your active participation. On the contrary you even refrain from it.
You simply watch it happen and it brutally turns into an action in its own right, inevitable and unholdable.
You are prohibitted from interfering, even from producing an accompanying гримасу.
Your skin is plastered into your skull, enforcing upon you a mask of a newly re-born human being – a tennis player!
Childhood as a personality glue
When you successfully produce an ideal striking motion you get a forgotten sensation – a possibility of being surprised by your own body.
Tennis, as a theater of infantile buoyancy, returns you to your forgotten but not yet fully digested childhood. This is similar to peeking from under a mask, which is about to merge with your real face.
You are still looking for that swagger imprinted on the forgotten photo and trying to return to decrepit muscles the same sensations that are still smoldering in your body becoming quickly overripe. You can also try to seek refuge speaking ironically about your own maturity and mocking decrepitude. Is this tragic or commonplace banal?
You traverse familiar-forgotten road backwards.
Suddenly you are no longer a child but not yet an adult. An uncertainty about yourself settles in you again and the adult world looks so frightening. There is no place in it for you, the yesterday child. But, on the other hand, something new and important settles in: innocence, purity, immaculacy together with the sensation thay you at the beginning of that road.
You are enraptured by a vision a tv show tipped you off.
In it a child outlined the future of an unsaid country in the third world: I think that the end of the world will come when there will be no food left and all the people will be devoured by hungry chicken.
For you, an adult looking back, the world of childhood looks attractive and absolutely cloudless. Memories of lost experience summon the moments of genuine happiness.
Your eyes fill with tears.
This is when the biological clock crosses the border of its regulatory nature. You return to yourself, to your bodily memories, to your very essence. Breathing gives your body back its initial volume and continues interrupted self-education and self-recovery.
Again you return to the inner cleansing by repeatable tennis stroke only now as the means of autotherapy.
But don’t be mistaken.
Tennis does not decrease your personality with the consequent push back into a seemingly faceless infancy.
To the contrary, your personality is yet to become more complex in the process of learning, acquire new skills and habits and become significantly more individual. Thus facelessness is removed from your childhood and tennis continues the interrupted growth of your personality, relying on an impulsive, instinctive experience forgotten in adult life.
You begin with the inspection of “values” imprinted into motion, and suddenly comprehend that tennis is a possibility to accomplish something so happily perfect it’s not even being perceived as activity.
The repetition of a striking motion reaches the level of wu wei, non-resistance to outside forces.
From a tourist sliding down the memory shaft you crawl into a guise of the thinker open to poetic, moral and existential searches.
Tennis is founded on reorientation and rethinking of your own experience simultaneous with re-examination of living space formed back in childhood when any kind of mobility was perceived as quite normal, as given outside the value systems and motifs.
Now you view these skills in more utilitarian way.
For you, as a child, drawing as a process was more important than the drawing as an object.
Equally, in tennis the motion, not the ball clearing the net, must be paramount!
This process of re-creating yourself goes parallel with restoring the bodily volume, which you ritually recreate on the tennis court.
If we can rely on Andrey Platonov´s observation than “an adult is just a mutilated child who only partially cures himself from deformity at the old age”.
Tennis can heal long before the onset of old age.
You begin performing the striking motion so automatically, so unnoticeably to yourself that an undivided admiration of the motion and of yourself becomes the only eventfulness, a kind of instantly recalled moveable feast, ersatz childhood.
Just one thing puzzles you: when a child, while playing and possessing the ability to play you grasped all the depth and very essence of your being long before you began to think abstractly.
This sensation emanating from childhood is like a festive, romantic date with your own body, with a warm smile.
At a later age you learn how to curl the corners of your lips upward, activate the power “chi” and inject warmth into your muscles.
Maybe this explains why you so happily and readily return to the childhood memories and the joys inherent to this period with its smells, colours and sounds, as you are re-opening intimate, yet semantic relationship with this hidden reality. And you add these peculiar properties of childhood to your adult life. That step makes joy possible allowing you to experience it once again and again.
Chicanery of second maturing
However, tennis can become surprisingly tricky.
You just repeat the striking motion monotonously, and it should no longer surprise you. And yet, each striking motion remains a discovery.
It sends you to a care-free childhood and, additionally, creates a myth.
In the authentic childhood, you lived as a child outside the myth and each day was born anew. You dissolved in the surrounding space, the center of creation that was the simplest and best out of all possible worlds.
Your transparent and uncomplicated being was composed out of it.
This is how you create and get into your own pre-childhood. It cannot be said more exactly: this is the childhood lived without an adult experience.
Now you go all the way back to what from the distant today looks like a childhood. You ask a question: what does childhood mean after all? Does it make sense to go backwards in maturity?
Anyway, what do this old man and that fragile boy on the photograph have in common?
Albeit, how one can talk about the wisdom of an adult or advanced age when all strategic decisions have been made – a choice of occupation, partner and a place to work – at a very young age?
So what about voice or motion? Yes, yes, motion, because if you start declaring that you were formed by motion, this had to be taken place very early.
When you recreate the landscape of the first years of your life you realize that a statement about the maturity of advanced age sounds more absurd.
In tennis, you overcome the rusty metaphors of adult life and return to one-dimensionality of childhood and the child still present in you. This return to a happy epoch endows you with spontaneous joy and the multitude of very live memories.
Tennis creates an individualist out of you while the memory provides a complete freedom. Suddenly, you see everything differently. You see the body as cosmos and an interaction with the universe. Tennis turns up to be the way of immersion into the constant intellectual hygiene (once again!); into trust, trusting copying, simplicity, naturalness and spontaneity. As if you began to succeed in stopping a thought time after time and switch to an irrational comprehension of reality.
Possibility to act and wait
As dust settles down and you feel that a process of renewal takes a firmer grip upon you, tennis creates additional conditions for self-expression and activates your inner powers that would remain otherwise dormant.
However, this playacting is temporary and is only necessary as a quick fix, as a ckeck if you are able to organise and discern between your existence and the game. Then the divide blurs, is extruded, forgotten and goes into an unfixable, automatic mode.
As if your brain becomes subjected to the laws of biomechanics, and an expedient economy of motion lays the foundations – once and for all – of your forehand and backhand action.
Here it seems that only the constitution of your body provides the meaning. However it is only that is significant.
Any body is a history of victories and defeats deftly “carved” into the musles, compressed in bones, ligaments and tendons.
The body as the main symbol, product and sculptor of history, a place where not only events are absorbed but also traditions and cultures. Here, memory is reprocessed into instinct.
Here, a form is important, because all of the fluctuations are transmitted through it.
Holding a bird
Tennis is a constant effort to keep a calm and highly positive momentum of expectation inside of you.
It is like recognising an old hit in a new cover, an old myth in a new recitation.
It is as if you are suddenly confronted in a person you just met with forgotten features of the dearest people long gone by now. It is as if all those formulae and models team together to facilitate success.
That is the way how a demand to relax before you hit the ball injects extremely positive memories into your consciousness. It also removes unresolved and conflicting situations. It triggers a volcanic-like redistribution of energies, although what really happens is a mere rationalization of motion, leading to the revision and renewal of your own psychic organization.
Suddenly, some kind of a theatrical Deus ex machina removes all problems in a scoop. It is as if you zoom in focusing sharply into your way of thinking, and you seem to see yourself as a bird soaring in the air.
Returning into yourself
Re-playing, re-living a fantastic invented situation brings it closer to reality, although, for you, this reality remains in the very beginning misty and touched by magic.
However, it appears that playing tennis means becoming yourself as well as becoming somebody else, because you do unfold and expand in space-time. And like a colonizer, you discover new parts of yourself which are not yet connected to you, parts that you could not detect earlier.
It’s logical that they are perceived as foreign and alien.
Subsequently you discover that these parts were not alien but, rather, undigested, and that through their digestion you are given an opportunity to show your own initiative, comprehend motion and reach a desirable result.
Then this effort ousts and abolishes itself, obligingly disappearing from the chain of your inner orders and wishes. All that remains to do is to raise in every possible way your current level of self-vision and carry it into the future. By means of exhausting training and polishing of your percussive motion you improve yourself for the future and remove discrepancies despite setbacks.
A tool of cognition
By repeating striking motion and creating and inhabiting a new reality of your body you learn a lot about yourself and the world. All that is required is discipline, rapid development of skills and a great desire.
In African villages, people quite seriously tell the story of a man who so strongly believed in the possibility of transformation he abandoned himself while indulging in dancing and turned himself into a tiger.
If you listen to experienced actors, the same magic transformation into a completely different being takes place in drama theaters.
On one hand it is easy to mythologize the past. On the other – in tennis you can transform yourself to such an extent, that you start perceiving yourself as a renewed, altered man.
What remains is a trifle: you only have to convince people surrounding you.
But in contrast to the actor, for whom copying or imitation of reality means psycho-physiological transformation into another person, tennis requires immersion into self.
Tennis is a sign of you’re a decisive an irrevocable doubling of your world. The consciousness splits into the world of the game (pretend) and the world the game changes in the most decisive way, authoritatively invading and changing real world to fit the imagined, unreal one, which organically accepted general features.
Tennis is a manageable schizophrenic world of polished movements, hits, scores, matches won, tactics and strategies, earning money, reputations, raising the status, therapeutic capacity and improvement of one’s physical form. At the same time, this is – a game, outplaying of meaning, non-genuine reality, and almost fairy tale artificiality, into which you escape in a quite organized and sanctioned manner. But bifurcation of personality in the game is no match to psychical. It’s voluntary and conscious. The game’s “I’ does not substitute the genuine one, but if in schizophrenia both “I” are equal and possess equal rights, the game’s “I” juxtaposes genuine and clearly depends on it.
Tennis teaches the person to become reliable and irreplaceable at least for self and manifests itself as a kind of “compressed inner experience”, compressed to the extent where it becomes ready to use outside of the body and the game as a method of safe experimentation with reality.
It’s probably also a process, diminishing the role of minutiae that creates out of you, an inexperienced man, the image of a seasoned veteran. And then this image, like a mask, merges with the image of a new improved personality.
This is an examination of your own re-oriented experience from new angle as a continuation of self-education, healing, return to childhood to the moments of genuine happiness through self-therapy, inner cleansing from filth through breathing, and movement. You burst into boundless, private and intimate space.
And yet, tennis remains an artificial manageable schizophrenia artificially embedded into your consciousness that allows you to divide yourself simultaneously into a subject and object of your own actions.
Duality as authenticity
In tennis, you maintain your authenticity through body and movement, while doubling and playing your double. Breathing and movement keep the body from bifurcation.
The psyche can bifurcate but not the conglomerate of muscles, tendons, synapses and the models of management. Movement gives the body authenticity via its main characteristic – length. The length is also the main method of control.
For an actor, whose task also includes doubling, weakness lies in that he can barely be a personality without the play or script. Tennis forces you to hallucinate. You must learn to see your percussive motion. This is visualization. You move out of your body and see yourself from outside as if discovering in yourself a rare gift – a gift of seeing with the third remote eye- an out-of-body experience!
Someone in you, “not you”, hits the ball, and you try to admire this “not me” all the time. And, as a creative schizophrenic, in the therapy session with yourself, you try not to move away to an unsafe distance from familiar everyday reality.
In tennis, the statement “I am another” is easily modified. For example, “I am a recent other”, or “I am a recently former independent part of psyche” or “one of the sides of personality that not yet grew into the whole and haven’t yet passed the test by the method of soul coaching and taken a deserving part in the process of growth and ripening”. Suddenly, you discover in yourself an intensified and effuse spiritual command center that required neither supernatural abilities nor genius to educate. This is how, almost unnoticeably, a more perfect inner organization has been formed.
Even if you were you an ordinary personality, grey and boring, you still can imbued with the feeling of your greatness and participation in inner events, from now perceived as significant.
And at this moment of breakage and found inspiration, you can continue doing mundane everyday things. Admiration brought in by self-observation by the third eye that became a part of therapy evokes in you enthusiasm and emotional lift.
Rejection of real tennis
Tennis isn’t just professionally mastered products of fun and entertainment; not just the game of big tournaments planned in advance for a certain week of a certain month with participation of such and such masters, with tens of thousands of viewers, with ohs and sighs about each effectively played ball, such and such first prizes, covered by tens of television channels, resembling a worked out template, not standing out in a general visual row of other media rituals – earthquakes, plane crashes, floods, terrorist acts by Muslim extremists, financial crashes, attempts to ban child pornography, tons of intercepted drugs, violence attempts upon US or allied troops, and divorces and childbirths of the movie actresses.
All of this can be the most famous form of tennis, but it isn’t by far the highest and maximally reachable degree of its development.
This is so far from the body, silence, birds singing on tall trees, flowers swaying on long stems!
However, tennis is the motion which unobtrusively permeates and feeds the entire world with heroes. .
An intimate strictly deeply individual tennis can be imagined as a lonely artist like Van Gogh, who sold just one painting during his life while today an exploitation of his cult became an industry feeding thousands of people.
And yet, tennis preserved in itself enough beautiful features allowing it to transform from shallow visually entertaining game into a universal idea, for example, purely at random, an idea of a common rhythm as an organizing principle of symbols it itself created.
Tennis is a forced forming of a desirable image of the future, fulfillment of a dream as such. Here it comes ridiculously closely to magic, expressing still growing need in intimacy and transcendence on the world which lost magic.
Today you live in the world of shadows, simulations and emptiness.
Emptiness is a special category incomparable either with time, space or your body, for example. It can be defined as a geometric space not filled with objects. Although the emptiness of a modern man is –on opposite- an ultimate plenum, overload, unwillingness to accept and undertake anything additionally, not a burnout but, rather, bore out, when nobody is trying to impact self even at slow speeds of eventful life.
You become a problem for yourself. Sincerity and spontaneity disappear, and the body ceases to be an essential physical component of your existence. The pursuit of only material values deadened the soul, instincts, emotions and sapped faith.
Tennis is an overcoming of cavitation. To exit it requires mastery and courage.
An ideal percussive motion is naming of inexpressible, liberation from the emptiness of soundlessness, breaking open a world of silence.
Tennis imposes on you thoughts, feelings and even acts.
It looks like you’re learning to play tennis. Yet tennis teaches you to live, leading you into a role prescribed by its own tennis myth, or more precisely, the complex of movements which implants itself under your skin and becomes a remote controller of yourself.
You convince others in your stability by influencing through motion and stabilizing yourself in motion and by movement. But an opposite process can also exist: fumbling, isolating, and emphasizing some new feature within your personality, you develop tennis in you and for you. The laws of psychokinetic enter the action.
By reaching an acceptable level of the game and entering a new loop of spiritual as well as bodily experience, you could (like medieval monks) change your name to signify the opening of new possibilities in front of you, a new relationship between existence and everyday life.
In different situations, tennis can be defined as fate, a means of identification, a miniature cult of personality (or rather a light form of narcissism), as a means of fantasy, as easy to enter as it is to exit, as a possibility of escape from impermeable, reality, rapidly becoming unbearable; as your own progress and development; as a movement control produced by the soul. And – vice versa – as means of thinning of the soul, as a frivolity, easiness, as a possibility of momentary soaring over reality and existence, as reducing tension of a temporary and unstructured exit from a stressful situation into purely individual happiness, into the body as a capsule, as a cocoon.
You already stopped at the edge of a condition you may mark as sincerity which is close to fantasy. You discovered the need in humility as a new way of communication, which began gradually change the rules of your existence. You abolished your large ego simply because you no longer needed it. It is the tennis ball that rules now.